In the midst of life
I could see no light
Apathy had descended
I just had no fight
Plans all gone no friends to see
Just women, my diary, my phone, and me
Was I depressed? Not really - unsure
I was too busy each day
Depression would be more
One day then the next always there willing
Some days so so, others were thrilling
But me, the person, the gal that had entered
Was gone, just a husk of a person - off centred
I began to dislike to ARGHHH! and resent
The women, their families
And the time that I spent
The guilt for that - what a horrible midwife
I should be joyous and at thrilled
At the time of their lives
My husband remembered me gone from his life
Gone from our friends and gone as a wife
My friends knew my name but my face had not seen
I say "I'll try make it" - they know what that means
Slowly but surely the light had gone out
I'd drive in the night, I'd cry and I'd shout
God damn this I hate this I'm so bloody tired
My bones ache my heart aches
I'm exhausted but wired
Then with a wipe of the eyes a sniff and a sigh
Into it I'd go with a jubilant "Hi!"
Because I loved it I loved them the good and the bad
But slowly and surely I had become so very sad
Sad that I'd realised I was last in my life
Everyone else came way before me
Everyone else had a need more than this wife
So I started to daydream, maybe terrible disease
Something so bad I could stop this with ease
No blame if you're sick - but simply "you're spent?"
No-one would know WTF that even meant
What so tired you can't even sleep?
So tired your're lost
To yourself - you're so meek!
Toughen up sort it out harden up stop your nonsense
What kind of midwife are you?
Have you no conscience!
Eventually life took it's toll and you see
The answer came - at last I could flee!!!
The way had come - finally a way out
The reason held water, the reason held clout
But the guilt and the sadness it ended that way
Is something I feel 15 years later this day