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On Leaving Practice

December 3, 2017

 

In the midst of life

I could see no light

Apathy had descended

I just had no fight

Plans all gone no friends to see

Just women, my diary, my phone, and me

 

Was I depressed?  Not really - unsure

I was too busy each day

Depression would be more

 

One day then the next always there willing

Some days so so, others were thrilling

But me, the person, the gal that had entered

Was gone, just a husk of a person - off centred

 

I began to dislike to ARGHHH! and resent

The women, their families

And the time that I spent

 

The guilt for that - what a horrible midwife

I should be joyous and at thrilled

At the time of their lives

 

My husband remembered me gone from his life

Gone from our friends and gone as a wife

My friends knew my name but my face had not seen

I say "I'll try make it" - they know what that means

 

Slowly but surely the light had gone out

I'd drive in the night, I'd cry and I'd shout

God damn this I hate this I'm so bloody tired

My bones ache my heart aches

I'm exhausted but wired

 

Then with a wipe of the eyes a sniff and a sigh

Into it I'd go with a jubilant "Hi!"

Because I loved it I loved them the good and the bad

But slowly and surely I had become so very sad

 

Sad that I'd realised I was last in my life

Everyone else came way before me

Everyone else had a need more than this wife

 

So I started to daydream, maybe terrible disease

Something so bad I could stop this with ease

No blame if you're sick - but simply "you're spent?"

No-one would know WTF that even meant

 

What so tired you can't even sleep?

So tired your're lost

To yourself - you're so meek!

Toughen up sort it out harden up stop your nonsense

What kind of midwife are you?  

Have you no conscience!

 

Eventually life took it's toll and you see

The answer came - at last I could flee!!!

The way had come - finally a way out

The reason held water, the reason held clout

 

But the guilt and the sadness it ended that way

Is something I feel 15 years later this day

 

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